Pronouns are essential to our language, serving as shorthand to avoid repetition and clarify who or what we are talking about. However, even the most proficient speakers and writers often make mistakes when using pronouns correctly. These errors can be subtle yet significant, leading to confusion or offense. Here’s a detailed look at some of the most common pronoun mistakes and how to avoid them.
Assuming Pronouns Based on Appearance
Assuming someone’s pronouns based on their appearance or name can lead to misgendering. This is a pervasive issue as many people unconsciously rely on visual or auditory cues to determine gender. For example, assuming that someone who looks traditionally feminine uses “she/her” pronouns can be incorrect. The best practice is to ask for pronouns rather than assume. Phrases like “What are your pronouns?” or “Can you remind me of your pronouns?” show respect and prevent assumptions.
Using “Preferred” or “Chosen” Pronouns
Another significant mistake is referring to pronouns as “preferred” or “chosen.” This language implies that pronouns are a matter of preference rather than an essential aspect of one’s identity. Pronouns should be used correctly as a basic sign of respect. Instead of asking for someone’s “preferred pronouns,” simply ask for their pronouns. This subtle change in language underscores the importance of pronouns in acknowledging a person’s identity.
Failing to Use Gender-Neutral Pronouns
Some individuals use gender-neutral pronouns such as “they/them.” However, many people mistakenly believe that “they” can only be used as a plural pronoun. This is not the case; “they” has been used as a singular pronoun in English for centuries. For example, “Alex said they are coming to the party” is grammatically correct when “they” refers to a single person. Failing to use gender-neutral pronouns when requested can be seen as dismissive or disrespectful.
Misgendering in Writing and Speech
Misgendering occurs when someone is referred to with incorrect pronouns. This can happen in both writing and speech. For instance, writing “Samantha is a great employee. He always meets his deadlines” misgenders Samantha if she uses “she/her” pronouns. It’s essential to be vigilant in both verbal and written communication. Proofreading written material and consciously practicing correct pronoun usage in speech can help prevent misgendering.
Pronoun Agreement with Singular “They”
Using “they” as a singular pronoun can sometimes cause confusion in pronoun agreement. For example, in the sentence “Each student should submit their assignment on time,” “their” agrees with the singular noun “each student.” While this usage is correct, some people might mistakenly use “his or her” instead of “their.” Embracing the singular “they” in formal and informal contexts helps normalize its usage and respects those who prefer these pronouns.
Apologizing Excessively for Mistakes
While it’s important to apologize if you make a mistake with someone’s pronouns, excessive apologizing can place an undue emotional burden on the person who was misgendered. A simple, sincere apology followed by correct pronoun usage is usually sufficient. For example, if you mistakenly say “he” instead of “she,” a quick correction like “Sorry, she went to the store” is better than a lengthy apology. The focus should be on correcting the mistake and moving forward respectfully.
Avoiding Pronouns Altogether
Some people might avoid using pronouns altogether to prevent making mistakes. While this might seem like a safe strategy, it can make language sound awkward and stilted. Moreover, it can come across as impersonal and distancing. Instead of avoiding pronouns, practice using them correctly. If you’re unsure, asking for clarification is always better than avoidance. This shows that you are committed to getting it right and respecting the individual’s identity.
Ignoring Pronoun Updates
People’s pronouns can change, and it’s important to stay updated. If someone you know changes their pronouns, make an effort to use the new pronouns consistently. Ignoring or forgetting to use updated pronouns can be seen as dismissive or disrespectful. For instance, if someone transitions and changes from “he/him” to “she/her,” it’s crucial to use “she/her” moving forward. Regularly checking in and updating your understanding of someone’s pronouns shows ongoing respect.
Overemphasizing Pronoun Usage
While it’s important to use correct pronouns, overemphasizing their usage in conversation can feel performative or patronizing. Treat pronoun usage as a normal part of respectful communication, rather than making it the focus of every interaction. For example, constantly mentioning “they/them” pronouns in every sentence can feel forced. Instead, integrate pronouns naturally into conversation, much like you would with any other grammatical element.
Disregarding Non-Binary Pronouns
Ignoring non-binary pronouns or dismissing them as invalid is a common mistake that can be deeply hurtful. Non-binary individuals may use pronouns such as “ze/hir” or “xe/xem,” and it’s important to respect and use these pronouns correctly. Dismissing these pronouns as too difficult or unnecessary invalidates the person’s identity. Learning and using non-binary pronouns correctly demonstrates inclusivity and respect for all gender identities.
Using Gendered Language Unnecessarily
Using gendered language when it’s not necessary can inadvertently reinforce stereotypes and exclude non-binary individuals. For example, saying “ladies and gentlemen” assumes a binary gender framework and excludes those who do not identify within this binary. Instead, use inclusive language such as “everyone” or “folks.” Similarly, avoid gendered job titles like “policeman” or “fireman,” and use neutral terms like “police officer” or “firefighter.”
Overlooking Pronoun Corrections
When someone corrects you on their pronouns, it’s essential to take it seriously and make the necessary adjustments. Overlooking or disregarding these corrections can be perceived as disrespectful. For example, if someone corrects you by saying, “Actually, I use they/them pronouns,” respond positively and make an effort to use the correct pronouns moving forward. This shows that you value and respect the person’s identity.
Pronoun Use in Formal Settings
In formal settings, such as workplaces or academic environments, the correct use of pronouns is crucial in fostering an inclusive atmosphere. Failing to use the correct pronouns in these settings can contribute to a hostile or uncomfortable environment for transgender and non-binary individuals. For example, ensuring that pronouns are respected during meetings, in emails, and in official documents demonstrates a commitment to inclusivity and respect.
Misinterpreting Pronoun Flexibility
Some individuals may have flexible pronouns and use more than one set of pronouns. Misinterpreting this flexibility as a lack of seriousness about their identity can be harmful. For example, someone might use both “she/her” and “they/them” pronouns. Respecting their preference for flexibility and using the pronouns they have shared demonstrates understanding and respect. It’s important to ask and clarify if someone has flexible pronouns and use them as indicated.
Overcorrecting Pronouns
Overcorrecting pronouns or making a big deal out of correcting yourself when you make a mistake can draw unnecessary attention and discomfort. For instance, if you accidentally use the wrong pronoun, a quick, discreet correction is more appropriate than a lengthy apology. Overcorrecting can make the person who was misgendered feel more uncomfortable. Aim for a balance between acknowledging the mistake and moving forward without making it the focal point of the interaction.
